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The day I separated from my husband- I had the thought,
“How am I going to find another man? This town is so small?”
There was anger, rage, frustration, and pain.
There was hurt, betrayal, and devastation.
There was also relief and determination to start a new.
That day-
The very day we parted-
That was the end of a romantic relationship of 14 years.
And it was also the beginning of one of the most beautiful friendships of a brother/sister partnerships I have ever known.
I am blessed to have one of the best relationships with my ex-husband that I have ever seen in divorces.
The marriage Sucked-
I was depressed for most of it
I was a horrible wife.
I had one of the Worst marriages of anyone I have ever known personally.
It was not at all what I imagined marriage to be like.
On the day of our marriage- that was the happiest day of my life at that point.
I felt like the luckiest, most blessed being on earth
But the pain came in-
Right on the heels of tremendous joy, beauty and love.
I was almost instantly broken-hearted
I was paralyzed in fear
I was crippled with pain.
I was filled with anger and despair at
Who I was being and
What our marriage had become.
I have spent the last 4 years since our divorce studying relationships.
I have gone to healers, taken courses, read books.
I have devoted myself to my healing and helping others to free themselves from
The pain, the trauma and the dis-function of abusive relationships.
I have looked at the dynamics of Predator- Prey- Savior- Caregiver- Martyr-Victim.
I have prayed, taken medicines, breathed, meditated, danced, and washed myself clean.
Through all my seeking and healing- there was always still this little seed of fear in me-
What if I re-create a dysfunctional relationship again?
What was the Root cause of the Breakdown in the marriage?
Why did I call in this lesson?
There was a point in the marriage- it was even a while before the final separation- when things were so bad that I did not love myself.
I had wanted to leave the marriage for many years- I threatened I was going to leave hundreds of times.
There were times when the depression was so immense that I did not want to live
It got to the point where I thought,
“If I were to meet myself in town- I would not want to be friends with that woman.”
Imagine that- you have so little respect for who you are being that you wouldn’t even want to be friends with that person?
Whoa- that was a big wake up.
But- still I STAYED in the marriage-
I tried to make it work-
I thought- “I will heal this situation”
I was committed to the marriage AT ALL COSTS.
. . . . . .
A few months ago- I decided I was really finally ready to call in a partner- I know I’ve said that before- I’ve even been on some dating apps- but in the 3 years of having a profile and looking for partners on several different sites- I had only been on one date.
I was stuck in the “no one is good enough” mentality.
Which- once I committed myself to actually going on dates- I realized there was in fact a lot of fear behind the supposed-
I love myself so much and I am so worthy therefore-
The man I’ll calling in must be of an extreme caliber.
Yes- that is all true-
AND also, there was a fear of intimacy, a fear of exposing my shadows, a fear of my weaknesses.
. . . . . .
The Tao says, “The Tao (truth) that can be spoken is not the Tao. “
. . . . .
The Buddha once pointed his figure to the moon and said- that there is the moon.
The moon is there but it is not my figure pointing to the moon, it is not the word that I use to describe the moon.
The only way that you can know the moon is to experience it yourself.
You cannot just talk, describe, intellectualize the moon.
You must see it, feel it, taste it, touch it, embody it yourself and then
You will Know the Moon.
To reach Buddha state-
Christ Consciousness,
one must first-
Let go of all attachments to worldly processions,
Let go of the ego,
Let go of everything that is not GOD.
Then one can embody their true self- they can
When you connect into source-
Connecting into the Mother Earth and the Father Sky/Sun
When you plug into the Divine masculine and Divine feminine and
You allow the two energies into your body-
The father coming down through your crown-
The mother coming up through your base- and they
Unite within your heart-
You are there-
The Union of the Divine lives
And when you are experiencing that-
You are BEING your true self.
You are a Divine embodiment of GOD/GODDESS.
For me- this embodiment of the Divine is the most beautiful, blissful, orgasmic, joyful state.
This is ecstasy embodied.
This is the ability to submit fully and allow the divine to flow through me-
To experience my SHAKTI- feminine power within my being.
The Kundalini rising
Christ Consciousness-
The rose of the heart in full bloom
This is the ability to
Make LOVE with the UNIVERSE.
To make love to Everyone and Everything
TO Breathe LOVE and
It is SO JOYFULL!!!!
This is my gift-
This is my POWER
This IS ME-
I am an embodiment of the GODDESS.
This is me as high priestess bringing this awareness and initiations into the world.
This is me as ISIS- spreading my wings and flying
This is me as Mary Magdalene- rose of the heart blooming
This is me as VENUS in all her beauty
This is me as Minerva- with all her wisdom
I am a form of the Goddess that has been worshiped for millennia-
This is the Union of the masculine and the feminine
This is GOD.
Thank you-
Thank you- GODDESS
I am so grateful
So. . . . . . .
Back to the whole relationship thing.
The reason that every single close romantic relationship/partnership has ended in abuse and dysfunction is simply because
I was misusing my power.
I was idealizing a false God.
Remember the Buddha pointing to the moon- that was me.
I was worshiping the finger not the moon.
I was putting the marriage, the relationship, the teacher, the community, the belief system- OVER ME.
The ONLY thing that I am now devoted to giving my all-
100% complete submission and devotion and everything worship of
Which is my connection to my higher self-
Me and Great Spirit-
Me and the Divine- and
This is the union of the male and the female within myself-
This is the Holy Grail-
This is LOVE-
I am GOD-
I am LOVE- and
I am ONE with ALL.
The true embodiment of this understanding is complete freedom from others.
Every orgasm I have ever had with a male partner-
Every blissed-out state with medicine work-
Every embodiment of truth and love and higher consciousness-
That Was all and that-
I am oneness
There is no other.
There is no sacred partner of union outside of the self.
And yes-
I LOVE my relationships with others as they are all mirrors to reflect back to me-
MY brilliance.
I am grateful for how others can bring me to a knowing of myself that I was not connecting with.
And now-
I have full confidence in my ability to co-create a balanced and healthy relationship with a man- IF I choose to in this lifetime.
Thank you so much
I am so grateful
Thank you, GODDESS,
I am a humble student of your LOVE
It is my life’s devotion to worship you
To teach men and woman how to love, honor, revere and worship the GODDESS
To teach other women how to
Awaken their inner GODDESS
Thank you so much
I am so grateful
To all my ancestors
To all my relations
To all my teachers
To the ancestors of this sacred land
Thank you
I love you
I honor you
I give thanks
I am a form of the Goddess that has been worshiped for millennia-
Isis, Mary, Sophia, Nut, Inanna, Ishtar, Gaia, Pachamama, The Triple Goddess- (maiden/mother/crone), Pele, Hi’iaka, Xochiquetzal, Chaluchiuhtlicue, Ixchel, Athena, Venus, Aphrodite, Minerva, Uzza, Manat, Allat, Arya Tara, Asase Ya, Oshun, Amaterasu, Kwan Yin, Brigid, Frigg and many, many more